The thing about virtual cigarettes is they don’t really get the breathing right.  Y’know what I’m talking about?  The smoke comes into your lungs, but they have it rigged so you exhale and it’s just weird.  I mean, it just doesn’t feel right when you’re doing it.  Now the water, that’s a whole different story, lemme tell you, wamchaka.  They got that shit so hirez, cuz they know there’s some dirty muthafuckas be wantin a bath ‘n shit when they get in this damn game, I’m telling you!  Haha!  Makes $100 for a bath in dirty water seem almost ok for even five minutes in this sim.  It’s like, fuck!  THAT’S what a bath is SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE!!!  Hahaha…

My boy, Guy, the pee-er.  Right.  He’s on the other side of the screen, marinating.  I’ve only been in here five minutes and the dude’s getting impatient!  Like shut up, y’know? I’m not doin anything, you’re not doin anything.  I mean, we both carved out like a whole day to be in this game thing, and so like, what’s your hurry?  But he’s anxious, and he’s pissin me off.

“Quiet, Pig!”  I shout, and the cigarette spills out from my mouth and into the water.  I watch it fizzle, the last smoke come off the water’s surface.  The ashes on the end get black and soaked and they fall down between my legs.  There’s a moment where Guy’s all quiet, then he starts going again.

            OOOHHHOOOAAAHHHHHOOOOHHH

“Do I have to come out there?  Don’t make me come out there.”

   GRUNT… SQUEEEEAAALLLLL

“QUIET PIG!” I smack my hand down and water splashes everywhere.  I jump out of the bath, grab a towel and wrap it around myself, then grab the cat-of-nine off the screen and look at him, real animal like.

He’s lookin at me, head straining off the pillow to look down the end of the bed at me.  I know what he wants.  He wants the skin tight vynil, the shiny stuff.

“Alright then, give me a second.”  I put ’em on.  They slide like they’re goin over butter, then I stand there, hand on my hip with my whip out. “All right.  You asked for it,” I say like this, I say, “I’m coming.” Real seductive, y’know?  Then, “You’re being bad.  Mommy está aquí.  Ella está viniendo.” Then I fling the whip. “Do you know what’s coming? Eh? Usted sabe qué está viniendo?”  Then I flip the cat hard on the Queen Anne so it makes a really good SNAP!